Slings and Arrows: Artificial Intelligence isn’t

I urge caution.

Yep, artificial intelligence can generate a realistic photo of an orange orangutan on a riding lawn mower. It can write a report on the history of The Community News in Aledo, Texas. It can generate video showing famous politicians saying things they didn’t say.

There is a lot about artificial intelligence I don’t understand. However, I understand how computers work.

Pretty much any computer programming language has a version of an “if-then” statement. In English, it is a way to instruct the computer that if it receives a certain input, then it should provide a given response.

In my mind, artificial intelligence is quite an elaborate use of “if-then” statements. Given a big enough “vocabulary” of photos, some of which are orange orangutans and others being riding lawn mowers, it can generate a photo of an orange orangutan on a riding lawnmower.

If that’s what I ask for.

If I ask for a history of The Community News in Aledo, AI will seek out that information, then provide a report that sounds like it was written by a sixth-grader who copied out of the World Book Encyclopedia. Back when I was in sixth grade, that’s what we did because Wikipedia hadn’t been invented yet.

One of the definitions of intelligence in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is “the ability to learn or understand or to deal with new or trying situations : REASON

also : the skilled use of reason.”

Artificial intelligence can’t reason. It is only as good as the data fed into it from which to respond to inquiries.

If you ask me what time it is, and I answer “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” you are smart enough to know that’s a non-sensical answer, although it might take you back to pleasant memories of the first time you saw “Mary Poppins.”

All of which leads me to a recent experience with an artificial intelligence “Chat Bot.”

I was fed up with our online payroll service, and I was asking the chat bot if I could receive a refund. The following is the actual chat, with the name of the payroll “service” changed to “AcmePay:”

Welcome back! How can we help?

Me: I would like to discontinue our payroll service. Is there a credit or refund for the amount of time we have paid for the service but have not been able to use it?

AcmePay Chat Bot: Here are some articles that might help:

• How to cancel and remove a pay run
• If you have already run payroll, and realize there was a mistake, you can remove and delete that pay run as long as no bank…
• Employee exit - How to terminate a worker’s employment status in AcmePay
• AcmePay helps with every step of your employee payroll, from onboarding to termination. In the event that a worker leaves your…
• FAQ: Payroll
• Will I be charged for employees on my payroll, even if they’re paid $0? Your monthly bill is based on the flat rate, plus the…

AcmePay Chat Bot: Was this helpful?

Me: No

AcmePay Chat Bot: Sorry I couldn’t find a good answer to your question

Me: I detest “help” bots. I will seek out human support.

AcmePay Chat Bot: Here’s an article that might help:

• My requests: How to track and follow up on support tickets
• Submitting a support ticket lets you tell us what help you need, get instant status updates, provide additional information…

AcmePay Chat Bot: Was this helpful?

Me: No

AcmePay Chat Bot: Sorry I couldn’t find a good answer to your question

Me: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

AcmePay Chat Bot: I didn’t get that. Try rephrasing your question.

Me: Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious.

AcmePay Chat Bot: I didn’t get that. Try rephrasing your question.

Me: If you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious.

AcmePay Chat Bot: Here are some articles that might help:

• AcmePay’s 7-Step Setup
• So you’ve decided to make payroll simple by signing up for AcmePay. As a perk, we’ll be entering the personal information of…
• How to confirm your tax payments are being made
• We guarantee that all tax payments are made timely and accurately. If we make an error, we will work with the tax agency on…
• AcmePay payroll calculators
• If you’re using AcmePay, we’ll calculate your payroll taxes automatically, even if you pay workers in multiple states. To see…

AcmePay Chat Bot: Was this helpful?

Me: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

AcmePay Chat Bot: I didn’t get that. Try rephrasing your question.

Me: Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I

Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I

AcmePay Chat Bot: I didn’t get that. Try rephrasing your question.

Me: Because I was afraid to speak when I was just a lad

Me father gave me nose a tweak, told me I was bad

AcmePay Chat Bot: Here are some articles that might help:

• Traliant harassment prevention training for your team
• AcmePay has partnered with Traliant to bring you engaging harassment courses that meet the latest state requirements. Why do you…
• How to view your pay stubs - Employees
• If your employer uses AcmePay, it means they can give you access to create a login and review your own pay stubs. Here’s…
• E-Verify required by Florida Department of Revenue
• The Florida Department of Revenue has issued a new annual certification process that requires certain employers to certify…

AcmePay Chat Bot: Was this helpful?

Me: But then one day I learned a word that saved me achin’ nose
The biggest word you ever heard and this is how it goes

AcmePay Chat Bot: Here are some articles that might help:

• AcmePay’s 7-Step Setup
• So you’ve decided to make payroll simple by signing up for AcmePay. As a perk, we’ll be entering the personal information of…
• Washington payroll tax and registration guide
• Why is this important?To maintain compliance with state payroll tax regulations, you must provide the following information…
• How to add an employee
• Add an employee using their hiring paperwork, or just invite them to enter their personal info, including withholding and…

AcmePay Chat Bot: Was this helpful?

Randy Keck is the owner and publisher of The Community News.